The Life Journey

So what I have been working on lately has been really dealing with my losses.  I have had a lot of losses in my life, starting at a very young age, and it has just piled on me, death after death after death.  So I made it a priority in my life to address it and hopefully resolve it.   These may seem insignificant to the average reader, but to me they are very relevant and I will explain why.

First,  I understand now that my grief for my father is so closely related to the abuse I suffered at my step mother’s hands. No, she didn’t physically abuse me, but she did mentally abuse me.  Her lack of understanding for my mother’s loss and her apparently jealousy of my father’s love really left a scar on me.  She had the chance to step up and be a MOTHER to me when I desperately needed it.  I had not only lost my mother to ovarian cancer, but I had also lost my sister to a bitter family feud.  She could of taken the time to really understand that loss and been more open to her new role in my life and in the life of her supposed beloved husband.  Her life would have been so much simpler had she done that.  My father probably wouldn’t have separated himself from her to deal with my issues because she would have been WITH HIM.  The fact that we didn’t get along and that my father always had to moderate our interactions couldn’t have helped my father’s health.  I feel that because of the situation that went on after my dad died, all the questions, and how all that went down… I never really got to GRIEVE for my father.  Not in the way I grieved for my mother.  I have been shoved into “survival mode” and that has repressed the natural grieving process for me.  I can easily recall my mother, things she did for me, happy memories, how she died, etc. etc. without much (some) tears.  But when it comes to talking about my father,  I can’t do it. Its just so painful for me.  A perfect example of this is the fact that in this blog — under “My Life Story” — it took me three months to write down the details of my father’s death.  And that left me exhausted!

Secondly,  it seems that anything that reminds me of my dad always was a painful memory for me even if it was a happy memory.  Such as our shared love of racing or going to church or celebrating holidays.  So I am working on trying to enjoy those about myself and remember my father fondly rather than morbidly.  Like for example,  Jake’s dad loves to race cars so I have asked him lots of questions and started to get into the swing of following racing again — I’ve even talked about re-morphing my 98 Passat so that it can race again.  Another thing I am dealing with is my feelings about church. For the longest time I have felt the church wasn’t for me, even though I have never really lost my faith in God.  I think some of the major reasons behind that have been that my father’s affair with my step mother began in a church. It was like they did not value the teaching of the God they sang and played for.  I felt so ashamed.  So I am letting that go and going to be part of a church I like, just because its something I believe in and enjoy!  Hopefully I can enjoy it for myself and not bring any of my old baggage.

I really hope I can continue my process and be able to rid myself of the grief I feel over the loss of my family.

- Maria