The Life Journey

Whew,  been a while since I wrote in my diary.  Lots to tell, but its always hard to start.  Things I’d like to talk about my job, my health issues lately, my apartment searching, and my love life. 

I haven’t written anything on here in some time.  Thought I would kinda start up again, since I am so very bored here in my hotel.  Hmmm, what to tackle writing about first?  The job, the men in my life, or how utterly boring it is to live in a hotel room?

Let’s talk today about my feelings.  What am I feeling?

Lately, I have felt pretty low about myself.  The fact that I cannot land a new job in today’s market has been so crushing to me.  I have built a career for over a decade, one I built from nothing, from scratch.  I literally turned a hobby into a career.  There are not many people that can do that successfully, and I should be proud of that.  But the failures that I have been subject to in the last few months have really put some horrible thoughts in my head. 

It’s Mother’s Day today.  Yet another day to remind me that I have no mother.  I always get a little bit depressed during this day, and father’s day as well.  I remember shopping for days with my dad for something to get for my mom.  My dad used to almost always get her some sort of jewelry, so I had to get creative with my gifts.  I liked to buy my mother clothes for this day usually, but sometimes I would make things for her.  I’d draw for her or paint for her,  sometimes I’d write for her.  I always got her a card and I would write her a letter. Sometimes in Spanish, most of the time in English.  I remember really enjoying this day.  Now… its one of the saddest days of the year for me.  I now visit her grave, run down and worn from 17 years of wear and tear.  I’d put down some flowers, but I can’t ever find her favorites — lavender roses.   Such a beautiful shade, very rare.  So unique.  Not much unlike me.

So, firstly I wanna talk about Jason.  Yesterday, he and I went to the gym, then we went to lunch.  He’s in such GREAT shape, OMG. He exercises like 4-5 times a week so he really pushed me at the gym.  I am glad he did though, I felt tired but I feel good today about it.  I then went to hang out with my friend Gaby, I met her sister Daniela, and we hung out at the pool.  I got major sunburn… like OUCH!  Then I came home to hang out with Jason a bit before I dropped him off the airport. We hugged and kissed and I cried.  Because I really do enjoy all the time I’ve spent with him and I am going to miss him.  He’s so different than he was back when we first dated.  Problem is he is still very much a playboy and I told him this as we were saying goodbye, I was like, “Don’t be too much of a playboy!”  If he could change that, I might be more interested in getting back together with him.  But I just could not accept someone cheating on me.  I saw what that did to my mother, and I refuse to play out her life.   He’s joined our little process here, but in a very different way!  He’s doing podcasts as his blog.  His laptop, which is a business grade Dell, has a podcast recording studio thingy on it, its kinda cool.  It doesn’t have a webcam, or I think he’d do videos.  I am going to add a page here on my site for him to host his podcasts.

Now, on to Jake.  /sighs… 

I just heard back from Paul about that awesome position in NYC for EMC.  Looks like at least they are working on pushing me up the interview chain, so I am pretty excited about that.  Hopefully, I will finally find a job in NYC and get the hell out of South Florida.  This economy sucks right now.  I have been unemployed since October 1st, last year.  I would absolutely love living in the hussle and bustle of NYC.  I really just want to get out of South Florida, there is too many memories here for me.  And while I like having those memories, I just don’t feel like being haunted by them everywhere I go.  Its one of the many reasons I hate going out anywhere. South Florida is so very superficial to me.  Everyone looks the same, and I hate that.  I like a little variety, and I feel NYC offers plenty of it.

Jason’s been here for a few days now, and he’s been coming over to my house a lot. 

I feel relieved today. My friend finally took some responsibility for his actions and reactions and might be on his way to working through his issues. I am pretty hopeful for him. I hope to be able to support him as he supports himself. I want to help him help himself and I think I could do that. We made an agreement to do that for each other. And when you make those kinds of agreements, I feel they are for life. He identified his issues for himself, which only makes me want to do the same for myself, so thank you Jake.

I have been writing about the death of my mother lately, recalling events in her life, and detailing the months that led up to her death. So I have put it out there for the whole world to see. So they can see what real pain is like and realize that anything else they experience in their own life fails in comparison and they should just let it go. Writing about my life has been extremely helpful for me to assist in reasserting myself and pushing past my pain. My strength grows with each new entry of my life that I write.

Let’s take a look at why I fall in love with guys that are so broken, so unavailable emotionally, physically.

Its pretty funny because prior to being involved with Luke, this was not the basis of my relationships. Matter of fact, my relationships prior to Luke were almost iconic. There was a mutal understanding between me and Ricky, then me and Jason. I was the trophy girlfriend, the cute lil figure skater with the amazing legs, hot ass, and big tits. I enjoyed being that, because I was with them for the same reasons. Ricky was captain of the football team, looked amazing, was extremely popular, and everyone loved him. Jason was a hot Calvin Klein model, amazing abs, hot blonde long hair. He looked good on my arm, as I did on his. It was mutal superficiality on both accounts.

I haven’t eaten anything in a few days, cept a bowl of cereal yesterday and a few crackers. I know I have to eat, but I am just not feeling like it.

I am so sad. I feel empty. I feel restless. I feel angry. I can’t sleep well. My thoughts wander about with from one thing to the next with no order. Jake. Not having him in my life, even in the smallest of ways, is so hard for me. He’s my best friend. I am so unbelievably connected to him. I never thought I’d feel that connected to another human being in my life. I feel him within me. I can sense his emotions, his fears, his doubts, his questions, his anger, his misery. All of him. I have said it before, it’s like we’re two halves of the same whole.